Friday, June 23, 2006

By Popular Request . . .

Okay, okay, fine. I'll tell the story of my broken arms. I was considering waiting until Dallas to tell it because it's just so much funnier with Mike doing his impression of me, but you'll just have to bug him to do it in Dallas. (See, Mike? Now you have to for sure go.)

By the way, this post is rated PG 13 for scenes of violence and implied language. The ER scene is not for the squeamish.

Okay, before our wedding, a friend of ours had given us a day at the local spa as a pre-wedding gift to help us relax. This place had mineral pools, hot and cold, mud baths, and was all very posh. We had spent the whole day at the spa and were getting ready to go home. The locker rooms were at the top of the terrace, and I was waiting for Peter. I don’t know why. And maybe that was the first time in history a woman was waiting for a man. Anyhow, the terrace overlooked the mud baths. This woman was getting out with her back to me, and I was trying to figure out if she had a huge tattoo over her back or if it was just a combo of drying and wet mud.

Unfortunately for me, I kept walking while I was looking at her. And since I didn’t have kids yet, I didn’t have eyes in two places on my head. So, I neglected to see the stairs that were coming up and proceeded to tumble off them.

I did manage to get my hands out in front of my face to break my fall . . . I blacked out from the pain so I knew both of my arms were broken. Even moving at all was excruciating because it knocked the broken joints together.

Of course someone ran and got the emergency personnel from the spa and the first question they ask was, was I drinking? Which I suppose is an obvious question because how many sober people manage to fall downstairs in the daylight? Um, me?

Peter says I told the ER intern (I knew he was an intern, not a doc, so I could push him around) “I’m getting married in two weeks and you are NOT putting casts on my arms.” I don’t remember that. Needless to say, I didn’t find it all amusing with the nurses were joking in the ER about whether or not my wedding dress had long sleeves or if they had some lace laying around they could inlay in my casts. I do remember the INTERN shoving a needle full of Tordol into my elbow joint (after sucking out a needleful of blood) and then jerking my arm around asking if that hurt. I don’t think what I responded was CBA approved. Uh, yeah, it hurt.

However, as luck would have it, I came out of the ER with only splints and slings. No casts. Because both joints had basically crumbled from my humerus and ulna colliding, they were afraid that the joint would freeze if they casted them. Believe me by the next day I was wishing I had casts. Every slight movement caused searing pain.

Oh, and I was wearing contacts. Can you imagine how I got them out that night? I tried to get Peter to take them out for me, but even he wasn’t that brave. I think he put up with me screaming while I lifted my arms (need both hands) to get them out. He then packed me up and deposited me on my mom’s doorstep since I couldn’t possibly live by myself. Poor guy! I’m amazed he wasn’t scared off by all that.

The other funny part (not funny at the time, but Mike’s interpretation is pretty hysterical) was that we went to Maui for our honeymoon. And went snorkeling. I kind of have this problem of not thinking ahead, so I figured how hard could snorkeling be? I’d be floating in the water so it would be no pressure on my arms. However, I neglected to think about how I would get back into the boat. You have to pull yourself up a ladder, something I couldn’t do. I think it was a combo of me sitting on a boogie board and hooking one arm around the ladder while Peter shoved me up that finally did it.

I'd like to say that was my last broken bone, but it wasn't. I probably have a few more in my future too.

Aren't you sorry you asked?

19 comments:

  1. Ohhhhhh!!!! You poor thing! EEK!

    I knew this lady once who broke one arm and the day she went to get the pins out, she broke the other one. She was *so* depressed!

    How are you?? Fires in AZ affecting you??

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  2. Oh man, what a painful story. Ouch! Must have really made your wedding day interesting, getting in a wedding dress and all. I just can't even imagine.

    Thanks for sharing, girl, I think... ;-)

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  3. Yikes. I should feel bad for making fun of your swimming stroke.

    Now I can't wait to hear Peter's version.

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  4. Awww. Poor Jen! I really feel bad for you. And I hope you never break a bone, dislocate or sprain anything again. :(

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  5. Ronie, that sounds absolutely terrible! Ugh! I'd be depressed too.

    The fires are actually closer to Georgiana, who comments here. They're about two hours from us. We're down in the valley with a ton of homes between here and the mountains, so I don't think we're in any danger of any fires. It's was worse when we lived in So Cal.

    Mike, what's with needing Peter's version? You doubt the veracity of my story? I'm wounded.

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  6. Here's the anticipated "my side" of the story: I PUSHED HER DOWN THE STAIRS! But please, don't tell Jen.

    All kidding aside (which is rare in this arena), I was behind Jen, but my hands were by my sides. Honest. Then I saw Jen take a header. I did see her feet up in the air, and for a microsecond, I thought she was showing off by jumping down 5 steps, headfirst, and attempted a flying hand-stand. You know how it is: my fiance' trying to impress me! I may have been impressed, but Jen was really "depressed" afterwards!

    And what she said to the ER doc was true. Jen almost fainted, multiple times, from the pain that day. None of you have ever seen me drive, especially in SoCal, but I actually had to obey the speed limit while driving Jen to the ER. That's true love, baby!

    By the way, my lovely wife failed to reveal the fact that I got seasick while snorkeling in Maui (the ocean was not rough at all!). Must have been the giant sea turtles that made me squimish. Bad turtles!

    Lastly, at our wedding, we placed a small note on all the chairs, stating that "Due to a recent accident, the bride will not be able to accept any hugs" (or something like that).

    I know what you're thinking: I am a great guy, eh?

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  7. Okay...just logging into your blog here...I'm confused.
    If you're getting married (or got married?) to Peter, why are you hanging around with some guy named Mike, and why is he doing hysterical impressions of you? He doesn't sound very nice if you ask me. I think you should stick to Peter. Although he dumped you on your mother's doorstep. That's not very nice either.
    But it does have the makings of a good chick lit novel, don't you think?

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  8. Jen's hubby (a great guy!)June 23, 2006 at 7:58 PM

    Confusion...

    Jen and I have been married (somewhat happily ;-) for 11 years now. Mike is a good friend, and they met at various writing conferences around the country (as well as meeting a number of other good friends). When Mike heard "the story", he "mocked" Jen with his impression of a woman swimming with broken elbows. All in good fun. Wish we had it on video.

    As far as me "dumping" my wife-to-be on her mom's doorstep, well, those are my wife's words, not mine (I softly laid her down on the doorstep, rang the doorbell, and then ran far, far away!).

    All in all, we have a lot of fun here, a lot of humor and sarcasm.

    Hope this helps to clarify things. If there's one thing that everyone here agrees on, is that I am one heck of a guy! :-)

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  9. Peter,
    I've heard that about you! Now, if I could just remember who said it...hmmmm. Oh, yeah, that was you!

    Jen,
    You've told me the story before but apparently left out a few details!!! OUCH! But now of course you'll have to bring your wedding pictures to Dallas to show how you worked the bouquet problem :-)
    No need the thank me--I'm here for ya, girlfriend!
    Abundant blessings,

    Jenny Cary

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  10. OWIE! I agree with D, must have made for an interesting, and memorable event! :)

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  11. OH! I get it now! It's an OLD story.
    Okay, I think I'm coming out of the cloud of confusion...I hope.
    :0)

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  12. It DOES have the makings of an excellent story! Might be fun to peek at your wedding video. Hey, at least you didn't need a neck brace.

    As for the fires, we can't see the Sedona smoke anymore. But this morning when I went outside, there was smoke from another one. There's a new one every day up here:(

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  13. Cathy, Mike's not so bad. ;) Besides when he and Peter get too out of line here, all the girls go over to Mike's blog and talk about nail polish.

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  14. Doh! (I've declared my blog a Nail Polish Free Zone...just haven't figure out yet how to block the content.)

    I think Peter needs a blog.

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  15. Peter don't be needin' any kinda blog!

    Being the resident "unliterary" person around here, I need to keep you "edukaytin" types on your toes.

    ...besides, someone here besides me don't know squat about nail polish, and I figure you need the assistance.

    Oh, and I cannot spell either, especially German - thanks Dineen! ;-)

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  16. Is that a challenge, Mr. Snyder? Because I got a new bottle of OPI nail polish for my birthday and I'm just dying to discuss it.

    Peter's not getting a blog. Otherwise no one would read mine.

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  17. Happy Birthday Jen! Hope you had a great day. Can't wait to hear the color of the new nail polish. I'm sure we can have some fun at the polish free zone with it. hehe

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  18. Ouchie! Yes, please bring the pics to Dallas (I bet you stuffed the bouquets inside the slings, didncha?)

    I bet your great guy and mine would get along. They sound like they have the same kind of humor. :D

    So what color is that nail polish?

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